Alt.Exe · Thoughts

INSANITY (inspired by Microcosms Flash Fiction)

This post was inspired by Microcosms. To read my entry to the contest, part of which was taken from below, but fictionalized, please click here. It’s a quick read. 🙂

It was just one of the many times I spent in the casino. It was a year since I suspected that a depression relapse was imminent. It was exactly a month since my nervous breakdown.

I didn’t go to hospital. I only cried a hell of a lot the morning it happened. I cried more when I couldn’t remember the name of my psychologist. It must have been the panic attack or the anxiety but I was frustrated with my mind’s failure, my failure. I had decided to quit talk therapy in the new year. I was trying out positive thinking, happy thoughts and seeing the sunshine behind the clouds. I scrolled down my contacts list from ‘A’ all the way to ‘S’ where I finally found her name. Only then did I remember. Unfortunately, she couldn’t see me that day.

I was still hysterical. I called my GP and the receptionist must have felt enormous pity on me and she squeezed me in between other patients. My bill was also discounted. I was there only two days before for bronchitis.

I liked my GP even more from that day. I talked. She listened. Before she wrote my prescription, she told me to care less about what others think. She had said: “I don’t care about what others say. They must have walked in my shoes first for at least a mile. Otherwise, they can f*ck off.” She may have used other words but she said the ‘F’ word. I thought it was sweet of her. I felt her empathy, not only sympathy.

I immediately went into medication then made my way to the casino. I gambled alone. The days I didn’t go to the casino, whether to gamble or just relax, were few but I was never alone. Gambling was something fun to do; an expensive fun thing to do. I could have bought a pair of Jimmy Choo or gone to Paris for a few days. Better yet, I could have paid my personal loan or credit card debt. But, I kept going even when I lost every day. It was crazy.

I was crazy. Perhaps I had always been a little insane. I was one of those people who believed that the rain wrote cryptic messages on my window panes. I was convinced from the start that I had multiple personalities. I talked to myself all the time. I did my best to conform to society but I knew I was different. It was a pleasure to question the status quo. I thrived on being me no matter how bizarre I might seem to ‘normal’ people. I could go from happy to miserable in a matter of minutes, but not on that lovely Friday evening early in July.

I didn’t lose. I was feeling so lucky that I even thought I could win a million. When I didn’t, I took my money after making 25 and, remembering that it was flash fiction Friday, I left the casino floor with 2,025 from 200. It was really nothing to be happy about considering the losses I suffered in the last 30 days but I was happy. Only a crazy person would be happy with a win of 1,825 considering a loss of about 20,000 in a mere four weeks. Then again, it was better than losing more.

Finding joy and love in the midst of anxiety and depression

Leaving the casino floor, a woman-man duo playing music near the casino entrance caught my attention. I stopped to listen to them. She was singing an Adele song. Both of them were playing the guitar. I regretted that I quit playing the guitar. I wasn’t really good at it. While I stood there almost mesmerized, people were walking past without even pausing to enjoy the music. Some probably didn’t realize that there was beautiful music playing. At least a couple stopped and I was no longer alone. When the song ended, I clapped. No one else did. When the second song ended, I wasn’t the only one clapping anymore. Justin Bieber’s ‘I’m Sorry’ attracted more people. Some of us started swaying to the music. We were then a crowd of at least ten. A young couple started dancing as the duo played David Guetta’s ‘Titanium’. An older man took a picture of them. The atmosphere was more festive than when I first stopped to appreciate the music. It was a cheerful crowd. I felt love for everybody. I was feeling ecstatic. It was amazing. But, writing was calling. I hadn’t written for several days. Luckily, the duo was taking a break. It was easier to walk away.

As I left the happy place, I remembered the young wretched soul who told me adamantly the past week that she was who she had always been and would never change. I started thinking how depressing that must be.

Despite my sporadic anxiety and depression, I thrive on change, hopefully for the better. I would most probably be an in-patient instead of holding a senior position at work if I wasn’t growing even a tiny bit every day. Then, I would be truly insane.

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5 thoughts on “INSANITY (inspired by Microcosms Flash Fiction)

    1. Thank you so much, Theresa. I feel so not myself but I accept. I’m slowly getting myself back on track and I’ll be catching up on my reading. Luckily for me, I have a stubborn nature and a restless spirit. 😄 I truly appreciate you my friend. It means a lot to me to have your support and encouragement. It gives me courage to push past the challenges. Life can be such good material for our writing. 😊 Much love and hugs. 🤗💖

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  1. I think that this would make an interesting memoir /book. I read a few of your other posts. I was always intrigued by depression/ anxiety and how it related to creativity ( Have you ever read ‘Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament’ by Kay Redfield Jamison?). I’ve been told that I can be manic ( I think I have my depressions but it never really shows to people). A fun roller coaster ride!
    A line that struck me:
    “I was one of those people who believed that the rain wrote cryptic messages on my window panes.”
    I find meaning in these things. Perhaps the way a “squiggle of water on the window pane created a shape that would trigger your mind to think of something…. and it would be something that was already in the back of your mind. I’ve seen some a lot of synchronicity. To me it’s a sign that I’m on the right path.

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    1. Hi Bruce. Thanks so much for your comment. Wow! We are then in the right company. 🙂 The Write Practice’s Fall Contest was surely one of the best thing this year! It’s absolutely terrific interacting with you and our “Friends from Fall”.
      I’ve been reading a bit more on Bipolar Disorder (as my therapist seems to think I don’t have depression but rather BPD) but I came across High Functioning Depression (or something like that) as well and it is interesting that I see myself there more than the other conditions. I do find my creativity soar in “less happy” conditions although joy stimulates the creative juices, too.
      I’ve signed up for the 100 Days Book and I’m deciding today whether I’ll go for a memoir or a fiction/novel. Thank you so much for your suggestion. You have a fantastic idea. I do want to tie in the “feeling of inadequacy” issue. I just need to come up today with the premise. I think I have made a decision on which novel I’ll do if I go fiction and the premise is already in my head. I’m also going to do NaNoWriMo… the memoir might be good there.

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