I had an epiphany! He is NOT a loser!
When one finds herself in a situation where she feels nothing but the slow painful breaking of her heart, it is understandable, almost expected, that her friends stand by her side, assuring her that HE is a loser and that IT is his loss.
It might be true – slightly – that our end is his loss – slightly – but he is not a loser! I just can’t convince myself that he is. If I were my self-centered, selfish, spoiled, bratty-only-child self, it would be very easy to label him a dud but I have recently grown up, I suppose.
The man did not say that we were in a relationship, let alone an exclusive relationship. I told myself that! The way he treated me when we were together made me believe that he was my man. This was despite him expressly telling me that he wanted to take it slow. He said that we were having fun. Just fun. I remembered these words almost every day but I pushed them away. Perhaps I was a bit stupid. Or stubborn. Or a sucker for punishment. I took what we had as a relationship between two people who were still getting to know each other but working towards being an exclusive couple.
It is now clear to me that he was serious about casual dating. This meant that although we were dating, we could see other people. I ignored what he said a couple of times when I was away for three weeks on vacation. He was really encouraging me to appreciate the gorgeous men I would meet / I was meeting while in Europe. After all, he was appreciating other women. Did it necessarily make him a bad man? Wasn’t he being honest?
I do not blame myself either. What happened did happen and perhaps it was even meant to happen. There was not a marriage of true minds, to borrow a phrase from Shakespeare. Our hearts were in different places.
However, he had been nothing but a gentleman when we were together. He was attentive, sweet and loving. He made me feel loved when he held me in his arms. He couldn’t have been wrong for me. Our intimate moments displayed only his considerate side. Surely, he was good for me.
How can I say that the man with whom I had stimulating conversations was wrong for me? His words were always kind. He did many wonderful things for me. He was worthy. I had an unquestionable connection with him, intellectually and emotionally. He is NOT a loser.
The truth is whatever we shared had to end. We are not on the same page anymore, if at all we were initially. He did nothing intrinsically wrong while we were together. Now, he is only being honest about where he is in his life. Is that wrong? I cannot and will not hate him. The grieving and letting go process I am about to embark on is devoid of anger and hate. Perhaps, it is an easier way of moving on. I can happily look back and cherish the time we spent together with no regrets whatsoever. I can hold that smile on my face without any pretense because I was in fact blessed to have shared even a little part of his life.
I have considered everything that I have been through with my almost gentleman. With absolute objectivity and respect, I shall not allow myself to be affected by my own seemingly breaking heart. I choose to think, feel and speak from the point of view of a mature, gentle person that I am grooming myself to be. At the end of it all, with the eyes of one who loves unconditionally, I see him as a good man, unquestionably. He will forever be a decent man in my eyes and in my heart.
As for me, I remain complete. Still. I may be nursing a wounded heart at the moment but I know that my heart will heal and I will again be able to share it with another, someone as good as him but whose heart is in the same place as mine.
To you: I thank you, earnestly and wholeheartedly! I wish you nothing but the very best!
Throwback Post Originally written: 12 July 2009 Revisited and edited: 10 May 2017