Thoughts

Illusions and realities

My psychologist told me that I am stuck with an illusion. She explained that it’s an illusion because the time frame was not long enough to include fights and misunderstandings, upsets and hurt, etc. Thus, all I remember are the good things.

I said to a fellow blogger that I think psychologists can also be mistaken; that some people in our lives whom we have put on pedestals are not illusions. I think…

Reality

Reality is easy to recognize; it has got to be. For instance, marriage is reality and a love affair [with Henrik Stenson] is an illusion. Not for everyone, I know, but for me. πŸ™‚

Joke aside, a spouse is a very obvious reality in a married life and that spouse allowing a partner to have an affair is an illusion; at least as a general rule.

Married life itself is very real; it has that aspect that we are not so crazy about – predictability. That’s real! Married life is monotonous, which is understandable because the couple is expected to be monogamous. This whole mono thing doesn’t sound like fun, does it? One cannot be exciting.

Illusion

Illusion can be fun but it is not advisable to live for them. I suppose we just need to know that they are not real, don’t take them seriously and know when to let go and move on if it isn’t good anymore.

Here are a few that make for interesting life that I entertain:

  • Dream – “Henrik Stenson”
  • Memory [of a brief reality] – as per my Psychologist (above)
  • Idea – reality but [the bad] is ignored or excused for the idea of perfect match
Dream (Fantasy)

Illusion - Dream (fantasy)This needs not a long explanation. Here’s the scenario:

  • I have my man, I lead a normal life, I’m unknown, and I’m basically an ugly Betty or worse.
  • Henrik Stenson is a professional golfer, married, practically a celebrity (although not like David Beckham at all) and we all know he doesn’t even see me. I know I have a photo with him and I even got him to sign it the next time I stalked him on a golf course during a tournament.
  • Any thought I may have of us as a unit is an illusion.

Hubby getting jealous because I’m crazy about Henrik and I stalk him when he’s playing in South Africa (although I didn’t go to Sun City to watch last year) and I’d travel to watch him play everywhere if I could convinces me that hubby is hallucinating.

We can all laugh now.

Memory

illusion-memoryI did say that there is a possibility that the memory of a brief reality isn’t necessarily an illusion.

The truth is that the relationship, in reality, may have been perfect but was it perfect only because there was not enough time for us to get to the irritation, frustration, boredom, etc.?

We can’t deny how we are at the beginning of new relationships; we tend to be blind during this honeymoon stage. Therefore, if I carry to the future the thought that the boy would have been the perfect one for me, the one that got away, and no one else can compare, then I am probably harboring an illusion.

Idea

Illusion - IdolizationI don’t know why some of us do this but we do. I had a relationship like this; most probably more than one, actually. What can I say? I’m persistent and stubborn. I need to know for sure that I did everything I could from my side.

Let me paint a picture; The guy is obviously not good for my well-being but there is that idea of our pairing being perfect; a match made in heaven! I seems like it and a couple or so of friends may even agree.

There is attraction, chemical reaction and/or butterflies. More importantly, our career personas make quite an enviable couple. If he holds the position that is the most suitable match to the position I hold, the relationship must work. Isn’t that the meeting of the mind according to Shakespeare? I don’t know. I am simply throwing it out there.

The lack of passion is ignored. The fact that a committed and loving relationship is non-existent doesn’t matter. We look good together. Not that he is perfect and I idolize him; not per se. It is the idea of him being perfect for me that has a hold on me.

But illusions do not only exist in relationships so I continue to ponder on this…

Several years ago, I decided for myself that I was healed. I managed to repress my awful past; I didn’t have depression anymore. Similarly, despite the struggle last year, I don’t believe that I was anything close to having a relapse. I simply wanted to stop the pretense. I didn’t want to continue compensating. I no longer wanted to wear my mask. I wanted to realize that I am truly a great person despite not having the external things that I’ve always considered made me great. I wanted to be great in reality and not only as an illusion.

I want to feel adequate and good about myself, truly and in real life.

I want to be prepared. I am kitting myself up while I still have the stuff that make me feel good so that in case they get taken away from me, I don’t fall apart.

Success, as we have been taught, and all the material things in the world have been my determinant factors in classifying me as worthy. Valuable. However, the feeling of inadequacy didn’t leave me even when I felt successful.

Is my feeling of inadequacy real or an illusion?

My feeling is my view of myself, not necessarily a true representation of the real me. The problem is that although my notion of me might be an illusion, I make it real; I make it tangible in my reality. In fact, I have a bad habit of underestimating me; at least when I’m not overcompensating.

If my accomplishments do not make the person that I am, why do I think that without them I’m less of a person.

I discount my accomplishments. They are not attributable to me. I am being realistic.

Yes, without them, I am worth less. I said so. But, no more.

We must embrace the good in us.

Let us not apologize for success as though our mind or intelligence makes a horrible person. Success might sometimes push people away but I believe that we are not totally blind to it and we can acknowledge the shortcoming and correct it. We shouldn’t beat ourselves up especially after penance.

But let’s not be less brilliant versions of ourselves. Self-sabotage brought about by fear, albeit concealed, can give an illusion of a horrible person when he really is just afraid. Sometimes, a condescending nature doesn’t automatically make a person terrible. We cover up the negative feelings – uncertainty, insecurity, and even inadequacy perhaps. Belittling others is an easy way to bury such negative feelings; it shouldn’t be. Negative feelings aren’t [necessarily] real; they are illusions.

Let us be authentic. And let us be awesome if that’s our truth. Now, that’s real!

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9 thoughts on “Illusions and realities

  1. “We must embrace the good in us.” Wow. I think that many of us who are creative and who also have high standards for our art sell ourselves short, Anne! Including you and I! We say, “oh, anyone could do this.” or “It’s not that special, it’s just something I wrote/did/created.” But if someone else had done it, one of our friends or colleagues, we would say, “Are you kidding? That is amazing!” Good reminder! πŸ™‚

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    1. You’re right, Theresa. Why do we do that? It’s like we just don’t want to see we do well. We like to see ourselves as small or insignificant. I know, when I write I think anyone can do that – make something up, create the vision in the head and put them on paper. Luckily, we have each other to do the reminding. ☺ Thanks my dear friend. πŸ€—πŸ’–πŸ˜˜

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      1. Your sentiment was so timely. I just heard yesterday that we creatives all put barriers in our own way. “I’m too old,” “I’m not an ____ writer,” etc. And the advice was to try to embrace the barriers and see what you could do because of them. For instance, one of mine is, “I’m afraid I’m going to fail.” So I decided, to fail a lot! I mean, write stuff anyway and decide later if I want to do anything with it. Rather than thinking “Oh, I probably won’t write something good today.” πŸ™‚

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      2. Makes a lot of sense. Either were afraid to fail or to succeed. I heard the fear of success is just as bad. But yes, we must do it anyway. I think it’s also not wanting to be thought of as arrogant or boastful. I think it’s humility — to trivialize self. πŸ˜πŸ€—

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  2. You are right the negative thoughts are the illusion. I too have decided to voice my intelligence instead of holding it back in fear of the rejection of those that for whatever reason did not have or did not accept the same opportunities to get a higher education. I realize that I was given these gifts for a reason. It has recently and in the past been suggested that I hide my intelligence around others if I am offending them. This made me realize that I was already doing this. I chose the reality that I am smart and Blessed to be so. Thanks Girly. We are surrounded by illusions. And, we create the ourselves. πŸ’šπŸ˜ŠπŸ’š

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    1. Hi Abigail,
      Better late than never, right? I’m happy you’ve ditched the inclination to appear small to others to be accepted and to not intimidate. We already get intimidated and others make us feel small so we really don’t need to help them there anymore. We owe it to ourselves to lift ourselves up and let others see and appreciate our true selves, without feeling the need to put us down to feel good about themselves. We might still forget every now and then but we help each other out here and remind us of the beauty and good in us.
      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts of this and your own story. And thanks for the follow.
      Much love and hugs xxx

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      1. Interesting perspective, that we do them a favor by letting them off the critical hook. Exactly, I agree that “they” do it to feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, it does not work. The self-criticism never really stops. We just go through periods of remission in which we think it will all work out then the illusion happens again and again. I know I am different. I like the real. The lie does not work for me. Give me reality over fantasy any day. Fantasy hurts too much it always disappoints in the end. πŸŽ†πŸ˜ŠπŸŽ†

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