Thoughts

Pondering Pre-2000

A Throwback

I give credit to whoever came up with Throwback Thursday. It makes nostalgia fashionable because #TBT is trendy. *chuckle* Is it still? Hmm…

I do look back but I don’t cling to the past.

Well, I do my best to let go… at least. There is no point unnecessarily lugging with me today yesterday’s baggage.

Brief background

The year before I wrote this journal was when my ex-husband filed for divorce following my last attempt to give up on life, which was most probably a blessing in disguise. It was a blessing because I failed. The beauty of life’s irony, I suppose. I didn’t immediately see the blessing, of course. It was only when I realized later that I had been rather stupid and I knew, without even promising myself, that I would never again deliberately end it all.

25th of August 1999

My mind is racing.  It also feels as though my heart beats in a bizarre way.  Could it be the month of August making a fool of me or is this August thing purely imagined?

For the last two years, the month of August had not been kind to me; it’s a cursed month.  Last year, I had thought that there was no curse.  The month had been uneventful.  However, a week before the month was over, my life took a turn.  The previous year was repeating itself.  The rest of the year had been worse.  It is over now though.  When August 1999 arrived, I prayed hard that there is not a leftover from the last two years.  I wonder now.

I always succeed in making my days bearable and sometimes even better.  There are, in fact, days to which I look forward.  I had not been worrying a lot this year.  I had mastered taking life at its face value.  I take one step at a time.

I accept what comes my way.  I programmed myself to be satisfied and contented.  I do not expect; I hope.  I do not have complaints. No, even when I have complaints in my mind I do not voice them out. I do not even entertain the thought. I see whining as a weakness and I do not show weakness.

I welcome people into my life as they are.  I don’t want anybody to change his/her ways for my pleasure alone.  If something or somebody displeases me, either I get out or I get rid of the cause of unhappiness.

My once complicated life had become as simple and automatic as breathing.  I don’t know if what I do is a sign of cowardice or strength.  I do see it as chivalry but that’s just me.

It find it tough to live my life.  I have responsibilities that I sometimes think I can no longer carry.  To top it all, I still dream.  I still strive to achieve great heights.  I may not grumble but I cannot be happy with what I have.  I don’t believe in resting on one’s laurels.  There are challenges to conquer.  The risks involved are immaterial in comparison to the potential rewards.

I become restless and impatient but I keep my cool.  I find myself exhausted but I try not to think about it.  I remind myself that I am what I think I am.  I can be the person I would like to be because we are our thoughts.  I am capable of doing anything.  I choose the state of mind I am in.  I tell myself that I am the master of my life.  The direction I heed is my own choice.

Still, many days come to me as melancholic.

I am convinced that I am a failure.  I do not see my accomplishments.  I wish my predicament would change.  The front I keep seems very shallow and unsatisfying.  The mask I wear brings me great sadness.  I start to believe that who I am and how I live my life repel all opportunities and lead me to an end point devoid of success.

There’s so much I’d like to do but there seems to be obstacles after obstacles. I do not have the power to triumph over them.  My frustration is impossible to ignore.

I know it is futile to wish to turn back the clock but I still take that road.  I still wish for freedom to do more.  I am tired though.  I don’t want to hear any noise.  I try to block my ears.  I no longer want to listen.  I want to close my eyes.  There are many I wish not to see.

I am incomprehensible even to myself.  Are my desires too complex?  Do I contradict myself?  What do I do wrong?  Am I in the wrong space?

I feel misplaced.  Am I simply an oddity?

Do I expect too much from myself?  Do I expect too much from others?

Why the boredom?  Why is the feeling of dissatisfaction too strong?  What am I looking for?

Why do I feel as though I am such a chicken?  Is it terrible to want to hide my weakness?  Is emotional vulnerability a weakness?  Is that firm hold on the control stick of my life a way of avoiding risks?

I am too afraid to love because I don’t want to get hurt.

I cannot be myself because others will know how to get to me.  I keep my mask on.  It becomes heavy.

I contemplate on giving up but I am too proud.  I cannot fail; not again.  That’s unacceptable.

I have built high walls that are impossible to scale or penetrate.  I become defensive.

My alter ego becomes my master.

I insist that I don’t need anybody to complete me.  Those who must share their lives with others do so because they are not capable of self-fulfillment.

I will only be with a person whose confidence shines through.  I will share my life with one who believes that our partnership will be mutually beneficial. The relationship merely adds to that which is already full; it’s a bonus.

Examining myself, I may have come to some conclusion but it is incomplete.

I’d like to be that person with all of life’s necessities and some extra on top.  A relationship will be one of the extras I’ll have.

My ideal partner is one at peace with himself.  His confidence does not come with vanity or arrogance or both.  He has strength of character.  He is loyal and honest.  He is confident enough to take me as I am.

I see the ideal me as independent and assertive. I may have my flaws but I will be aware of them. I will have my needs and I will express them.

So, how far am I from my ideal self?

Am I realistic when it comes to the person I desire?

I am looking for answers to many questions.  Where will I find them?

When will this quest end?  Will it ever?

Life, once again, has proven to be a huge question mark.

I do know that life is simply a journey but it sure is full of detours.  I have the road map but I encounter road works and I am being forced to change course.  I suppose I can also stay and wait patiently for the road to be fixed but I choose to change plans.

I get sidetracked.  I get lost.  Yet, I refuse to ask for help because I see it as defeat.

I stand my ground only to lose more time.  The door closes.

I lose what could have been mine.  Still, I do not pursue what I miss.  I let it go.  Positive thinking tells me that there are more awaiting me.

I go through the same process.  It becomes a vicious cycle.

I could try persistence but I think too highly of myself.  It’s not my loss, I say.  Is it not, really?  Sometimes, I honestly believe it is not.  What isn’t there isn’t meant for me.  It’s probably not good enough anyway.  I deserve much more and I will get it when I am ready.

I realize that I have placed myself on a pedestal.  I can be vanity personified. I am oh-so self-centered!  I begin to dislike myself.

I correct my beliefs.  I come down to earth.  I have some fun while I convince myself that this is what I have been looking for.  But, this isn’t sufficient.  I become restless.  I become critical.  I move on, looking for stimulation.  I remain my old defiant self.

My mind is still in chaos and the thirst is not quenched.  In my head are the words condescending, ostentatious, difficult, detached, apathetic, spoiled, demanding, etc.  The cheerful disposition is destroyed in poignant futility.

Nothing else lies ahead except self-destruction.

The options left are sincere acceptance of flaws in me and the humankind or persistence in the highest of unrealistic dreams.

I remain stubborn.

The quest continues.  The game is not over.

I stand unperturbed, fighting destiny.

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11 thoughts on “Pondering Pre-2000

  1. Anne, it occurred to me while reading your 1999 journal entry that, by looking back at an earlier time through your writing, you are modeling for us the benefit of reflecting on our own feelings and emotions in times of dramatic transition – reflecting later on, giving us the chance to grow from the experience. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Theresa. I’m happy it does not only let people see where I was, how it was and the growth or lack of.. 😆 I often look back maybe because afraid I am back to when I felt so insignificant. It keeps me on my toes. If I’m able to encourage others to reflect on their own journeys and inspire to grow, my mission is accomplished. ☺💖
      I hope you know how much I appreciate you and you support and encouragement. Thank you so much. It might be a desired validation and I don’t mind. Our support for each other, I believe, serves a higher purpose than simply validate us.
      Much love to you 💝 Hugs 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Anne, I am just very impressed and admiring of your willingness to open up and share deep thoughts and emotions, both from current time and from a more troubled time in your life. So inspiring! 🙂 Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The intention.. the hope.. is that this process helps with letting go, which is something I truly struggle with. I learned that to beat self-limiting beliefs, we mustn’t ignore them, because they just hang around. We also mustn’t “entertain” it and shout at it because then it gets the attention it wants.. and airtime 😂 We acknowledge their presence and say we will not allow them to affect us.. so I think it applies also to realities of life. ☺ I hope.. 😆 love and hugs 💖🤗

        Liked by 1 person

      3. This is very interesting. I’ve just recently started to try something similar, which is, rather than trying to banish my thoughts of self-recrimination or second-guessing about the past, trying instead to integrate them into my thinking. For instance, sometimes I write down a dialog between myself and my “doubting” self – especially about being a writer. How are you feeling, what are you worried about, what’s it like for that “other” self, etc. It seems to really make a difference, especially when I’m feeling “blocked” because I’m doubting I can write something creative enough or effective. 🙂 I like it! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Hester. I do think so, too. I’ve written journals for so many years already and sometimes I will re-read them. I have this A4 counter book from 1999-2001 and I wrote long entries – by hand! My handwriting would go from neat and pretty to a doctor’s handwriting. Haha. But, I feel better realizing above grown. It’s really wonderful. Thanks so much again for your support and encouragement. I really appreciate you. 💖 Much love and hugs 😘🤗

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much 🙂
      But don’t confuse me… Lol! Hmm, I must now decide whether I should still make plans, have schedules and stick to them or just be my spontaneous scatter-brain self… wait, no, I swing from the 2 extremes. I will just update on this blog. 🙂
      I love your blog and your style of writing. It’s cheery and it’s contagious. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks a lot. I try my best not to be too contagious It might be be dangerous. Cheers for the compliment!

        Like

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