I give credit to whoever came up with Throwback Thursday. It makes nostalgia fashionable because #TBT is trendy. *chuckle* Is it still? Hmm…
I do look back but I don’t cling to the past.
Well, I do my best to let go… at least. There is no point unnecessarily lugging with me today yesterday’s baggage.
The year before I wrote this journal was when my ex-husband filed for divorce following my last attempt to give up on life, which was most probably a blessing in disguise. It was a blessing because I failed. The beauty of life’s irony, I suppose. I didn’t immediately see the blessing, of course. It was only when I realized later that I had been rather stupid and I knew, without even promising myself, that I would never again deliberately end it all.
25th of August 1999
My mind is racing. It also feels as though my heart beats in a bizarre way. Could it be the month of August making a fool of me or is this August thing purely imagined?
For the last two years, the month of August had not been kind to me; it’s a cursed month. Last year, I had thought that there was no curse. The month had been uneventful. However, a week before the month was over, my life took a turn. The previous year was repeating itself. The rest of the year had been worse. It is over now though. When August 1999 arrived, I prayed hard that there is not a leftover from the last two years. I wonder now.
I always succeed in making my days bearable and sometimes even better. There are, in fact, days to which I look forward. I had not been worrying a lot this year. I had mastered taking life at its face value. I take one step at a time.
I accept what comes my way. I programmed myself to be satisfied and contented. I do not expect; I hope. I do not have complaints. No, even when I have complaints in my mind I do not voice them out. I do not even entertain the thought. I see whining as a weakness and I do not show weakness.
I welcome people into my life as they are. I don’t want anybody to change his/her ways for my pleasure alone. If something or somebody displeases me, either I get out or I get rid of the cause of unhappiness.
My once complicated life had become as simple and automatic as breathing. I don’t know if what I do is a sign of cowardice or strength. I do see it as chivalry but that’s just me.
It find it tough to live my life. I have responsibilities that I sometimes think I can no longer carry. To top it all, I still dream. I still strive to achieve great heights. I may not grumble but I cannot be happy with what I have. I don’t believe in resting on one’s laurels. There are challenges to conquer. The risks involved are immaterial in comparison to the potential rewards.
I become restless and impatient but I keep my cool. I find myself exhausted but I try not to think about it. I remind myself that I am what I think I am. I can be the person I would like to be because we are our thoughts. I am capable of doing anything. I choose the state of mind I am in. I tell myself that I am the master of my life. The direction I heed is my own choice.
Still, many days come to me as melancholic.
I am convinced that I am a failure. I do not see my accomplishments. I wish my predicament would change. The front I keep seems very shallow and unsatisfying. The mask I wear brings me great sadness. I start to believe that who I am and how I live my life repel all opportunities and lead me to an end point devoid of success.
There’s so much I’d like to do but there seems to be obstacles after obstacles. I do not have the power to triumph over them. My frustration is impossible to ignore.
I know it is futile to wish to turn back the clock but I still take that road. I still wish for freedom to do more. I am tired though. I don’t want to hear any noise. I try to block my ears. I no longer want to listen. I want to close my eyes. There are many I wish not to see.
I am incomprehensible even to myself. Are my desires too complex? Do I contradict myself? What do I do wrong? Am I in the wrong space?
I feel misplaced. Am I simply an oddity?
Do I expect too much from myself? Do I expect too much from others?
Why the boredom? Why is the feeling of dissatisfaction too strong? What am I looking for?
Why do I feel as though I am such a chicken? Is it terrible to want to hide my weakness? Is emotional vulnerability a weakness? Is that firm hold on the control stick of my life a way of avoiding risks?
I am too afraid to love because I don’t want to get hurt.
I cannot be myself because others will know how to get to me. I keep my mask on. It becomes heavy.
I contemplate on giving up but I am too proud. I cannot fail; not again. That’s unacceptable.
I have built high walls that are impossible to scale or penetrate. I become defensive.
My alter ego becomes my master.
I insist that I don’t need anybody to complete me. Those who must share their lives with others do so because they are not capable of self-fulfillment.
I will only be with a person whose confidence shines through. I will share my life with one who believes that our partnership will be mutually beneficial. The relationship merely adds to that which is already full; it’s a bonus.
Examining myself, I may have come to some conclusion but it is incomplete.
I’d like to be that person with all of life’s necessities and some extra on top. A relationship will be one of the extras I’ll have.
My ideal partner is one at peace with himself. His confidence does not come with vanity or arrogance or both. He has strength of character. He is loyal and honest. He is confident enough to take me as I am.
I see the ideal me as independent and assertive. I may have my flaws but I will be aware of them. I will have my needs and I will express them.
So, how far am I from my ideal self?
Am I realistic when it comes to the person I desire?
I am looking for answers to many questions. Where will I find them?
When will this quest end? Will it ever?
Life, once again, has proven to be a huge question mark.
I do know that life is simply a journey but it sure is full of detours. I have the road map but I encounter road works and I am being forced to change course. I suppose I can also stay and wait patiently for the road to be fixed but I choose to change plans.
I get sidetracked. I get lost. Yet, I refuse to ask for help because I see it as defeat.
I stand my ground only to lose more time. The door closes.
I lose what could have been mine. Still, I do not pursue what I miss. I let it go. Positive thinking tells me that there are more awaiting me.
I go through the same process. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I could try persistence but I think too highly of myself. It’s not my loss, I say. Is it not, really? Sometimes, I honestly believe it is not. What isn’t there isn’t meant for me. It’s probably not good enough anyway. I deserve much more and I will get it when I am ready.
I realize that I have placed myself on a pedestal. I can be vanity personified. I am oh-so self-centered! I begin to dislike myself.
I correct my beliefs. I come down to earth. I have some fun while I convince myself that this is what I have been looking for. But, this isn’t sufficient. I become restless. I become critical. I move on, looking for stimulation. I remain my old defiant self.
My mind is still in chaos and the thirst is not quenched. In my head are the words condescending, ostentatious, difficult, detached, apathetic, spoiled, demanding, etc. The cheerful disposition is destroyed in poignant futility.
Nothing else lies ahead except self-destruction.
The options left are sincere acceptance of flaws in me and the humankind or persistence in the highest of unrealistic dreams.
I remain stubborn.
The quest continues. The game is not over.
I stand unperturbed, fighting destiny.