This poem was originally written in June 2006. This is my throwback for this week. I do hope it isn't terrible. :) Thank you for reading. xxx
Am I here again?
Do I have to say what I am thinking?
And yet, I cannot seem to contradict me;
Indeed, no question… here I go again!
Had I not been sane I would scream
Challenging the inevitable, even cursing
Angry and frustrated, hating life
No option left, I’m forced to grow up
Love comes and goes, so is that love?
Was it not perhaps an illusion?
Do I, at all, know what real love is?
Scary thought if that was the case
Love, life, learning, experiences…
How much more for me is left?
At times I don’t want to move at all
So fearful of the consequences
But as restless spirits go
I keep on walking and pushing
As though my heart hasn’t had enough pain
Not worried about hurting again
There I went carelessly falling
Thinking I was being brave
My fragile heart opened up
For yet again another hurt
I am left wondering
Questioning my judgment
Doubting my intuition
Searching, digging, scrutinizing…
What am I?
A martyr, a saint?
A sucker for punishment?
Or plain and simple stupid?
Do I really love? Or, only like?
Is it not purely chemistry?
So fickle, so confused, and so lost
In love with the idea of love alone
Surrendering to my heart’s mystery
Letting love go, I do contemplate
Conceding that my life is meant
To be void, no one to share it with
And on my career I concentrate
Something within my control I think
No one else to blame if it did not work
On my mind I can rely much more
This way I feel I am valuable
With tangible results I see my worth
So much easier, it takes less effort
Satisfied with whatever little result
Still, subconsciously, I do ask
Is this it? Is this all?
© Anna Jailene Aguilar-Van Der Merwe