I was going to do a Numbers post according to the suggestions of Daily Post but I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment, having been transported back to the time of my divorce somehow. Thus, I have these other numbers instead.
The digits corresponding to the year I thought would be best to end it all. I was 26.
18 years later, it surely is embarrassing that I’m still carrying this baggage.
And at my age (I’m 44, for crying out loud), and considering all the years that passed, I should know better than to feel whatever it is I feel.
The number of poems written 20 years ago, in November 1996, 2 years prior to that haunting experience; poems that have been previously posted here.
The number of poems written in 1998, in November, that painted the picture of my miserable heart. A friend’s comment referred to these poems and others written within those 2 years as dark and gloomy.
I don’t know if I should be publishing these poems.I feel apprehensive now. However, I also feel that I need to be be honest at least to myself as I have hidden my real feelings then escaped from them, pretending that what I went through was something daft that deserved no further pondering.
I have to look at this head-on. I’m too old to play or fib… ah, maybe that’s why some people in their 60s do something I’d normally think their younger counterpart should do. There’s no more bull$#!%.
Please forgive me for being “whatever-adjective-you-come-up-with-to-describe-me”, either then or now. I have to forgive myself, too.
The first poem, which I called ‘Challenges’ isn’t so terrible, I suppose. There is a glint of hope in the midst of despair. Or denial. But, at least, it is not pathetic, except upon realization of denial.
A chapter of my life is through
Time to move on to something new
Turn my back is what I should do
Walk away, far away from you
That can’t be hard a step to take
Not a tough decision to make
My heart will probably still ache
Surely it can’t be a mistake
Refusing to let go is dumb
My whole being could soon be numb
Feel the hurt now is a good thing
The road to a new beginning
Always mindful to not pretend
True to self is what I intend
The present may seem too empty
But life is not all misery
Oftentimes, I just want to cry
Dreadful pains make me want to die
But I do know heart does recover
The tears dry up, hope takes over
I do believe life is not fair
Consistency is more than rare
I guess it’s good because I know
Now I’m down, but up tomorrow
So I don’t mind that now I’m sad
Strength comes out of what was bad
Lessons learned from experiences
Deal honestly with challenges
This second poem, ‘Futility’, finds me blaming myself. I was also convinced of something that was not true and has not been so since the divorce. It’s ridiculous where mind wanders in desperation.
At times life brings enormous pain
Although for some each day’s the same
There’s neither spring nor summer’s day
Tears don’t dry up, dark clouds do stay
While yesterday the flowers bloomed
With wind and heat they withered soon
Beauty that was is gone for good
Nothing is left to cheer one’s mood
The laughter in the heart is dead
So is the love that once was there
Eyes cannot see, ears cannot hear
Wall has been built, none can come near
Outside, the world is warm and gay
Full of life like the month of May
Seas are calm and the sky is blue
I wish all that I could have, too
I do not know where I went wrong
Did I not care for very long?
I must have hurt you horribly
To deserve a life of misery
I do remember times we shared
You did love me, you really cared
You gave yourself completely
But I pushed you away from me
Many chances did come my way
You tried your best to make me stay
I was a fool to let you go
Now that you’re gone I miss you so
Reality tells me it’s over
We won’t ever be together
The damage done cannot be fixed
No matter how I look at it
My wish is that you won’t forget
I will love you until my death
It hurts to think you’ll love again
While my life ends all pains remain
By this last poem, ‘Weakness’, I was starting to feel the anger. The third party involved, values and morals were not spared.
Last night I prayed so hard to God
In my despair I cried, I sobbed
I did not want to see the day
Knowing it will be sad and gray
I could not see why I should live
When there is none for me to give
Neither is there love to receive
Even myself I can’t deceive
I wished sleep would take over me
Leave the problems that now face me
I need the break from exhaustion
No answer to any question
Has my lost love forgotten all?
The times shared that were wonderful?
The moments when love did prevail
Were they not true? Were they unreal?
If feelings were truly sincere
They couldn’t quickly disappear
Unless it is work of evil
Committing sin is not a thrill
It’s not implied that we both sinned
But to the end our values thinned
Temptation found its victory
What’s left of us is misery
Somehow you are too blind to see
Untruth cannot make you happy
Reality will dawn on you
Some things aren’t worth losing what’s true
With God nothing’s ever hopeless
Never too late to fix a mess
We’re not too old to change ourselves
That chance to try each one deserves
But then another is involved
Who dictates what should be resolved
Decisions made are not our own
But depend on another soul
Truly if we were solely ours
We could allow more tolerance
One person’s right we won’t deny
For someone else we will not lie
Therefore, it’s sad that we give in
To our weakness and earthly things
We sacrifice what’s important
For fleeting and inconsistent
Is there hope then for us to learn?
The value of morals within?
Commitment to the family
Gives us real joy eternally
By November 1999, the mood had changed. I had quickly moved on, practically over the divorce by the time the final divorce order got the high court stamp in January 1999. I now feel that not giving myself time to mourn the death of my marriage, especially having been diagnosed with depression, is the reason why I didn’t heal properly.