Thoughts

Me today

My day was going great. I was enjoying my Finance Conference. I was getting inspired. I could envision a promising future with respect to my career, or even maybe business. I had an idea what could work for me although I don’t quite know how to get to the ‘what’. I had moments of breakthroughs.

Then, I accepted a stressful matter placed on my shoulders that I just didn’t expect would make such a dent on my current mental state. I was going to post on Facebook how I feel but I stopped myself knowing that the support I need won’t come from people who misunderstand or may quickly judge me simply because they don’t understand mental health. I know that WP is the better venue. This loving community gets me.

There are 2 things that people may find hard to comprehend about me;

  1. I have a “special” employer. Where others have lunch and tea breaks or can ask to go out and do urgent personal stuff once in a while, I do not have that luxury. In fact, if I try to rock this “special” boat, the consequence will be quite capable of leading me to (2)
  2. I have a brain that was either originally wired differently, as it is now, or it was re-wired when I went through an incident in my life that I couldn’t “handle”. Whichever it was, the truth is I have a history of depression and anxiety, relapses, and suicide attempts. Not that I will again resort to self-harm when overwhelmingly stressed; been there, done that, I have the scars. I will only go crazy. I do work on this and I have been well except lately. In short, you may not understand it but it is very possible that my mental health isn’t as good as that of a “normal” person.

I promise, it is not because I don’t want to do what is required of me, I CANNOT! It is not possible, unless I want to be subjected to additional stimuli that will push me to want to check out of this “normal” world.

Please try to understand.

How else do you think I am able to write? I am not creative or artistic. I am mental. That should also explain why I often talk to myself.

Perhaps, I burned the candle at both ends. For now, I can only breathe deeply in and out, relax and work on bringing peace back to my being.

Valiant warrior me shall be back shortly.

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9 thoughts on “Me today

  1. hugs…………….you are a warrior……..a strong soul……..never again say mental ,,,,,,never please…………..talking to self is an art itself……only beautiful souls know the art of it………you come here and write that is more then great…….grateful I am get to know you are well…….creative we all are as creator we are……..some write and play,some play and write…….just be Anna because she is the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m pretty sure that your trust in this community that is strong enough to allow you to write about certain feelings you are having is another way you navigate the rough seas. I know exactly what you are talking about and have personally experienced all you have described. You know God is with you and your WordPress friends are also by your side. Good for you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your very kind words and for your understanding, Grace. This is why I am happy and lucky to be in this community, to have you all. It helps a lot when our support system can fully and truly empathize, because we’ve gone through similar experiences.

      We have those down moments and I do believe that we can only fix something that we acknowledge needs fixing. We get better at it as we go along and with a loving environment. 😊

      And you are absolutely right. God is with me. He has always guided me. I just need Him more some days like today. 💖

      Hugs 😊❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Write you must. Being comfortable with your thoughts is important. Until you express your thoughts there’s no way of introspection. Being courageous and proud of being who you are is the essential part. WP is a wonderful platform and here we are to support each other and showing maturity by engaging meaningfully. And remember, creativity cannot be defined. Moment one puts pen to paper and words flow, and ideas emerge continuously, it’s the beginning of creativity or creating something essential.

    Wishing you a great weekend. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much, Amitav. I really appreciate your unfailing support and words of encouragement. I’m fortunate to be blessed with many loving and supportive people.
      Have a wonderful weekend! 💖😊

      Like

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