My day was going great. I was enjoying my Finance Conference. I was getting inspired. I could envision a promising future with respect to my career, or even maybe business. I had an idea what could work for me although I don’t quite know how to get to the ‘what’. I had moments of breakthroughs.
Then, I accepted a stressful matter placed on my shoulders that I just didn’t expect would make such a dent on my current mental state. I was going to post on Facebook how I feel but I stopped myself knowing that the support I need won’t come from people who misunderstand or may quickly judge me simply because they don’t understand mental health. I know that WP is the better venue. This loving community gets me.
There are 2 things that people may find hard to comprehend about me;
- I have a “special” employer. Where others have lunch and tea breaks or can ask to go out and do urgent personal stuff once in a while, I do not have that luxury. In fact, if I try to rock this “special” boat, the consequence will be quite capable of leading me to (2)
- I have a brain that was either originally wired differently, as it is now, or it was re-wired when I went through an incident in my life that I couldn’t “handle”. Whichever it was, the truth is I have a history of depression and anxiety, relapses, and suicide attempts. Not that I will again resort to self-harm when overwhelmingly stressed; been there, done that, I have the scars. I will only go crazy. I do work on this and I have been well except lately. In short, you may not understand it but it is very possible that my mental health isn’t as good as that of a “normal” person.
I promise, it is not because I don’t want to do what is required of me, I CANNOT! It is not possible, unless I want to be subjected to additional stimuli that will push me to want to check out of this “normal” world.
Please try to understand.
How else do you think I am able to write? I am not creative or artistic. I am mental. That should also explain why I often talk to myself.
Perhaps, I burned the candle at both ends. For now, I can only breathe deeply in and out, relax and work on bringing peace back to my being.
Valiant warrior me shall be back shortly.