Thoughts

This Year

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Last week, I said that 2016 is the year I grow up! …and write a book about it.

I wasn’t quite sure what I meant by growing up. It’s not that I have not been growing up. I just mean that this year is when I become a grown up, truly. This year is when I unquestionably recognize my worth and value and act accordingly, be unapologetic about it, be assertive in taking advantage of opportunities and be a willing and open receptacle to all the good things I had wished and still wish for myself but for some reason to which I had not been open to receive.

Growing up, I think, means not allowing in my space and life the negative energies that repel the blessings that come my way.

I have been through a hell of a lot in my life and while I have had successes and have always come out at least a survivor and at best a victor, I have not always been happy or without problems all the time. My best friend had often asked me in the past how I always “managed”. It could be determination, bravery, sheer hard work, belief in the positive and the good, luck, etc. It could be anything. It could also be that I was simply made like this. I am meant to be who I am and the way I am. I am supposed to be how I am.

Growing up means not absentmindedly adding a teaspoon of Nescafe instant coffee instead of Hazelnut coffee creamer to my Cubania Nespresso, because I’m upset over a huge domestic quarrel that took me away from my work.

Growing up would be not letting that huge domestic quarrel affect my work life, making me look unreliable, and in the process confirming men’s belief that men are better than women career-wise because a fight with a partner does not stop them from staying at work and performing their duties utterly unaffected, even it means a possible unhappily-ever-after.

The first several days of the year have been good so far although, of course, not totally devoid of the not-so-pleasant. I believe that we can be happy everyday but not necessarily all day every day. I am borrowing this from Charlotte of Sex and the City. I agree with her. The problem is when there is even just one day that the whole day is completely lacking joy. Then, there is an issue that needs attention and probably fixing.

Growing up might be being like Miranda Priestly from the movie, “The Devil Wears Prada”, whose work life is not affected by a breakdown of any relationship, and no one ever knows about marital issues, except an assistant… or not really even.

I ended 2015 with an idea of what I want to accomplish this year. I just was not sure how to go about achieving those goals as I started the year. I had various options and I started with the list of the different activities I need to do under each one, not only and necessarily steps to get to the different goals but also what I can do in the meantime in relation to those goals. I also had options regarding current work situation. Perhaps I had the right frame of mind. Maybe I am ready. I admit that I didn’t have a preferred choice and I needed someone else to tell me what is required of me. I was confused, but I was honest.

Having thought of the implications of the only option (I say only because if not that, I would need an alternative elsewhere) that would work with the client/employer, and after consultation with other parties that would be affected, such as my life partner and business partner, my decision was to “accept” that choice. I remember an advice of a friend from years ago, much older than me, regarding making choices and decisions, which I actually share with my other friends, too. She said that in times of uncertainty, take a leap, make a choice, and if it feels good, the decision is the right decision. After all, are we not allowed to change our minds? And if we’re not, surely, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?

I am fully cognizant of the fact, of reality, that life is not easy. But, if it were easy, would it not be boring? Would I be stimulated to grow? Would life be a fertile ground for personal development? So yes, I know that in order for me to truly grow up this year, I will face hurdles and obstacles and I will have to conquer them.

I am petrified!

I will need to make more sacrifices… never ending sacrifices! So be it! Delayed gratification, that’s all it is!

I will need to be more courageous than ever. I need to be bolder than I have ever been. I need my determination to be stronger. I need to have a vivid picture of the prize ahead of me so I may keep going, relentlessly and purposefully.

I have been carrying the joy in my heart and going about life with my sunny disposition. Basically, I have been mostly happy-go-lucky. I used to think that happiness eludes the serious and somber. I always preferred to be happy than grown up. I am starting to think that perhaps even grown up is happy. In fact, there is a high probability that grown up is truly happy, as opposed to only happy.

It has been 43 years. I am ready to grow up and still keep my joy and happiness.

I am excited! …or am I merely masked in excitement to hide my fear? What could be scary?

Fake it till I make it! What’s the worst thing that can happen? I die! But we’re all going to die! And my life has been so colorfully full that death does not scare me.

I am excited!

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