Beginning of the end

I want to know if you can tell me, if you know what my heart knows that I seem ignorant of. I want to know that my heart is in fact mistaken, and that to my intellect it should listen.

Tell me what you think, share with me your understanding; I want to know if you know why my heart disagrees with my head and you.

I know that you tell me you are just you and what you do is what’s right for you; still, I want to know if everything you say is true and that I simply choose to ignore your point of view.

I want to know if you know why I insist on wanting to be with you, when you are obviously perfectly fine whether or not I’m by your side.

I want to know if you can help me, and if you can, will you allow me, as I do want to be like you, to find it easy to just say, “No!” and stop my heart’s longing for you.

I want to know if you can tell me what it is that I should do; how to not want to see you and talk to you, how to not want to touch you and hold you and how to not want to be held and kissed by you.

I want to know if you can coach me; teach me how to forget and erase all memories that I have kept. Help me to not remember who we were once with each other, to not remember the times we spent together although few and to not remember some moments that we once have shared.

I want to let go of the past, the time when I thought perhaps there was a chance that what we could have would stand out. It could have been my imagination, but it seemed to me you did want my company and time with me, for whatever reason; it is unimportant. All I want is to leave me blissfully unaware in case I only fooled myself.

But indeed it seems that I am changing…

I wish to know now what’s in your heart. Can you tell me that what you feel is real? And tell me that your head is in agreement. I wish to know if you can be honest when you tell me that your truth is that you love only as a friend. Nothing more!

What my heart holds is not in question and where I am matters not at all. I want to know where you stand when you are alone, when there is no one else in sight.

I want to know if when you speak, you mean what you say and say what you mean. I want to know if you can tell me without pretense that you are with joy even when I am nowhere, not in your thoughts nor in your heart and that your soul absolutely has no lack.

I want to know that I can forge ahead, that I can move on to a new world of opportunities and experiences uncommon, where I can appreciate what I now neglect and welcome all newness previously not met.

I want to know that you agree with no hesitation, no apprehension and no condition, that tomorrow brings a new person in me; one who looks back painlessly.

When I see you smile as you walk away, into the unknown I do the same, without fear whatsoever, without the slightest trace of hurt and the memories that remain will carry no grudge knowing that you misled me not and that we merely have reached the end of our road, the road we were meant to walk, side by side. Together… It is no more!

2007 (12-13 Aug) Drakensberg North (96)

© Anna Jailene Aguilar Van Der Merwe (formerly Botes)


9 thoughts on “Beginning of the end

  1. “I want to know . . .” – love the repetition in this! So gently probing, not harsh (in words) but at the same time, it calls out insistently, expressing your own needs and questions and thoughts. Lovely! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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